Capturing Daily Life
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Candidate Insider
Dan WEIntraub SUCKS !
ALL Bee Writers
Whose Last Name
Begins With "WIE"
Can't Write Clearly !
September 28, 2004 (Tuesday)
The good news is that,
for the past ten years, since 1995
All the hurricanes have stayed in the ocean,
and have not made landfall.
This is really big, breaking news,
a real scoop for me.
It means that all four hurricanes:
Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne
did not actually hit Florida,
as previously reported
by all media news outlets.
It says so on a front page article
in today's Sacramento Bee:
"Since 1995...hurricanes...
all of them don't make landfall."
I suspected that to be the case.
After all, I, myself, roared
through Florida and the East Coast
three times so far since the beginning
of August, and there was never any hurricane
there that I could see.
But the poor, hysterical, deluded Floridians
were convinced they were being battered
by hurricanes this summer.
To be fair, I must admit to the possibility
that they may have mistaken
my hurricane-like aura for
an actual weather hurricane.
Or, indeed, it may be that
the hurricanes, themselves,
were avoiding me.
But Steve WIEgand CLARIFIED that possible
confusion today by saying,
"all of them don't make landfall."
He was, of course, refering to
all the hurricanes of the past 10 years.
Now, all or most or some of the people
that I may talk to about this
might tell me that WIEgand really meant
that some or many or most of the hurricanes
don't make landfall and that
some or many or most do.
But I'm sure he would have said that
if that's what he meant.
After all, he probably went to Sac State
and took an English class there,
so I'm sure he knows
how to say what he means.
Unfortunately, I learned English grammer
from the "nuns". I think I had the same
teacher as O'Reilly and Hannity:
Sister Mary Tarantula.
Like all good Catholics, we can
diagram sentences in our sleep.
Now, in WIEgand's sentence,
"all" is the subject,
and "don't make" is the predicate,
I think, and
"landfall" is the direct object.
They all did the same thing, that is,
they "didn't make" landfall.
In other words, they all stayed in the ocean.
Now, if he meant that some hurricanes
made landfall and some hurricanes
remained in the ocean,
he would have said that.
Or, he could have saved space by writing,
"Not all hurricanes made landfall."
In this case, the complete subject
would be "Not all", which means
pretty means much the same as
"some" or "many" or "most",
or even, in some cases, "none".
The beauty of this phraseology
is that it allows for the possibility
that zero to all-but-one hurricane(s)
did hit landfall (Florida).
This would then mean that
not all Floridians are always wrong
and not all media outlets are always wrong.
Let me try to explain it another way.
Suppose I say, "All of us don't think
Kerry has a snowball's chance in hell
of winning."
This means that we all think the same thing:
Kerry's sure to lose.
This is certainly true.
However, just in case there's a Floridian
who things Kerry has more than
a snowball's chance in hell,
it would be more accurate to say,
"Maybe a chad-loving Floridian moron
or two thinks Kerry has a snowball's
chance in hell of winning, but
we all know he's gonna get his
god-damned ass kicked,
just like the bastards in
Abu Ghraib prison got their asses kicked
by Pfc England, and she should be found
innocent because we asked her to go over
there and defend us and it's hard
and stressful work and nobody's perfect."
Except, maybe, Dan WEINTRAUB.
I just noticed that his last name
begins with WEI, not WIE,
so I'm sorry about that headline.
But, heck, he's perfect,
so all of us know
he'll forgive me.
Posted by dscully at 07:77 PM Top of Page
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David Scully
email
davidscully
@hotmail.com
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